2018/02/12

In love with the Process

Hey MH fam,

Is this gonna be a thing? MH fam? Well why not? It sounds kinda cool. Marshmallow Heart fam! Wooo!

Anyways, let's get to the point. I met up with my business family again yesterday. It was awesome, as usual. Learned soooooooooo much. Our mentor wanted to beef up a bunch of stuff he taught us after coming back from his thing in Los Angeles. Btw I wont be revealing who my mentor is anytime soon. I avoided the topic before cuz well... he's pretty out there. Like super high up there but he's humble as hell so I think thats really cool. I just want the content here to be about me and not make it sound as if I'm leeching off from his popularity. This space is for me. Muahaha

So I'm battling with a bunch of internal stuff now after pondering about what he said. My first take-away from his sharing was losing friends. He said: "Nak berjaya kena sedia hilang kawan." My heart dropped when he said that. Cuz my friends...

I'm talking about friends I've known since I was 7, 13, 15, 18. They are the people I grew up with. Even as it is right now, their thinking doesn't exactly align with mine. Their environment is all about university, dating, having fun, bila next cuti, marriage, skincare problems, losing weight problems, makeup, clubbing, assignments, exams, the next hot Korean drama.

Whereas me... I'll be honest. I have half my heart in dropping out of uni. I want to be something so much more. University gives me a shit ton of anxiety. And God, the thought of going back in there is... I'd rather be a betta fish farmer. My mentor himself doesnt even go to uni. He failed his SPM, he learned to speak English at 42 and he still made it. But my friends who are in uni.... Am I never gonna see them again? Right now, I'm the youngest in my group. I dont hang out with people my age anymore. I'm hanging out with people older than me. My entire social circle is slowly changing because I keep telling myself than I gotta surround myself with people who are more successful than me.

If I want to go higher, I can't take everyone with me. I get it. But... I love them. At the same time I want to be successful as much as I want to breathe. Not everyone has childhood friends, people who are your "we go way back" circle.

But what am I supposed to do? My sister is out of the family now. So I'm the eldest. I keep thinking what if something happens to my parents... I cant do shit if I was still in uni. I need to build myself financially. I need to do SOMETHING. EVERYDAY I CAN FEEL MYSELF SCREAMING. I'm restless. My dad is 51. I want him to retire NOW. I want to cover for all  of my younger siblings' education. I want to give my parents the world. I want them to rest. I want to be the one to put food on the table. I want to protect my family.

Its just... God, I need to accelerate. I can see it already and I'm excited for the future. Wow. Its good that I'm writing all this down. Puts things into perspective. Of course, I'd choose family over friends. If it came to that... or when... it comes to that.

Thing is I'm grateful that I know exactly what I want in life. So many people are trying to dictate what I can or cannot do. Like Nenek is always asking me to graduate and I did promised her that I will. Back when I didnt know what I was doing with my life. Of course that was the only thing I had going for me. But now, holy crap things really changed. I sound like my sister now. The infamous college dropout amongst our family of lawyers, doctors, architects, engineers and biologists. Well, maybe a more rougher version of her. Imagine all of this but in the voice of Bubbles from Power Puff Girls minus the cursing. Thats my older sister, if you guys wanna know.

Second take-away from his sharing was... Jeez I dont know where to start. So many things to talk about. The world has so much knowledge!!! GAH. I wanna learn everything, meet everyone, read all the great books out there, go everywhere. Gosh so much to do. I'll post when I remember the points okay.

Oh yeah, guess what guys?!

I'm seriously gonna quit KPOP. Yeah, thats right. I'm out. I'm DONE. I mean listening to Pied Piper by BTS moved me a bit. But I think I'm ready now. Thank you, BTS. You're right, I should stop all this and chase my dreams. BTS is probably the only KPOP group that wrote a song to advice their fans to not watch their videos a million times over and go focus on studying and school. Amazing. They're one of my biggest inspirations. I truly respect people who are true masters in their industry. You see their passion with everything they do, every song they produced, every performance they put out. And I really learned so mych from them. Successful people really just focus on showing up every single time.

So yeah, no more KPOP. I'm still going to continue my Korean with TTMIK and if I earned enough money by middle of the year, I really want to visit my friends in Korea. I'm making that a motivation for me to keep track on my Korean. Please pray for me!

Oh yeah, progress on my Chinese. I'm going to sit for HSK Level 4!!! I'm taking classes now and its so much fun. Its funny how fun learning Chinese is now when I'm no longer in a Chinese school. Hahaha the struggle in that place is real. I'm now learning out of my own freewill. And its so damn easy!!! Why didn't I see this back when I was in school??? I would've been acing all my Chinese exams. RIP my PMR and SPM. Chinese is really easy you guys. Please give it a try. Haha

Okay what else....

Life is just great actually. I've learned so much more in this gap year than I did for the past 3 years of tertiary education. I'm feeling really good about where I am. And I want to progress higher and higher.

Oh one last thing, I got a pet fish! I got him because I wanted to give myself a responsibility of taking care of a live being. Plus he was suffering in that evil petshop in Keramat Permai. I had to save him. So far he's doing well. I think he has a bit of fin rot but I'm giving him the meds for it. InsyaAllah, he'll heal soon. When I have enough money, I want to buy him a bigger tank. Throw in some caves in there cuz he loves to swim so much. Lol

Okay so that is my latest update for now. I'm chasing a new milestone so I cant stay very long. Thanks for reading. This blog is where I document my journey to success. That sounds so cheesy. But yeah. N'importe quoi.

Take care, guys. Bye!!

2018/02/03

My Bestfriends in Love

I just came back from Sarah's house and I'm really glad I stayed for three days. It's been year since my last sleepover. Her house has been nicely done now after the whole renovation. But I'm kind of bummed that she threw out her queen-sized bed. In its place is a sofa uhh I mean a day bed (As Sarah oh so vehemently corrected me.) I'm 175cm, can you blame me? That thing is like ngam ngam my size so I can't really roll around on it. And my back damn painful weh.

So news flash, Sarah has a crush now. A huge one. I feel like it's Jade all over again. I don't think people really talk about the emotional struggle when one's best friend falls in love. It kind of hurts. I mean okay Sarah is not as bad as Jade. When I sleep over at Jade's, she'd straight up video call her boyfriend and be on it for 4-5 hours and I'll start wondering what am I even doing at her house. Sarah is more to texting at this point. I'm bracing myself for the videocall phase. I'll have to be in my tudung even indoors then. I think I know what to expect now. Back then when Jade first met Kevin, I had a massive emotional meltdown which gave Jade a massive heart attack. I told her its okay if she doesn't want me as a friend anymore because she was so caught up with her boyfriend that I couldn't find a place for myself in her life anymore. She laughed it off and said: Anis, I love you and you know we would have worked out but if you haven't noticed, you don't have a dick.

Funny. I didn't notice. Really.
But yeah, I learned to just let things slide. Jangan la sensitif sgt, Anis.

Anyways, back to Sarah's story. We went out with Azra then, and guess what Azra is in the heartbroken phase. Her boyfriend apparently told her: "Aku tak nak kau ada harapan tinggi. Aku tak nak hurt kau. Aku sayang kau sbg kawan je." So in the middle of our karaoke session, Azra suddenly stopped mid-song while singing When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. I saw her face slowly contorted into agony and she collapsed on the sofa behind us and started crying. It was the crying that was so fierce that her body was trembling so hard. Sarah and I tried to console her. But 15 minutes later, the whole thing started again because Azra could only pick sad hopeless break-up songs.

We went to eat satay afterwards and Azra sat in front of me. She told us everything about the "break-up". It wasn't really a breakup. It's "COMPLICATED". I hate that word. She was telling most of it to Sarah actually because I was tuning out most of the time. Looking at my phone, pressing random buttons, counting my satay sticks for the 15th time. How can I not? She was saying things that were just so.....  God, I can't even bear to type it.  It was so wrong, so physical. My heart was screaming. And they know it. "WEH, TENGOK ANIS TAK LAYAN HAHAHAHAHAHA." Azra knows I'm against it. And she did try to stop herself for months but lost. Teng teng. Syaitan, 1. Azra, 0. She's too deep into it now to turn back. The whole Islamic talk can't touch her anymore. No ayat in the Quran can wake her up. She has to get her shit together in her own time and snap out of it herself.

Azra is my best friend of 9 years. Sarah is my best friend of 15 years. But things have changed so much that I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. This is all they ever talk about now. Love, dating. I shouldn't be upset. I should have known it was gonna happen.

Society has deemed dating as a cultural norm. So I have to accept that not many people can think outside of it. It's too ingrained in us to be seen as wrong. But I know it is. There is just something in me that can't accept it. Even if I'm not Muslim, I'd still think dating is weird.

A concept where you attach yourself to someone who isn't all that sure whether they want to be with you or not. Then if it doesn't work out after 5-6-7 years of wasted time and effort, he's broken, you're broken and now you're both off to find some other people who OH NO! happens to be broken too. Great now, you guys can be broken together but then OH NO! it doesn't work out yet AGAIN and now you get broken yet AGAIN. Oh NO! Now society is full of walking emotionally-broken pieces of sad people pretending to be "strong".
I don't know why people do that to themselves. I cannot brain how people think that's even normal.

"But he's different." "Tapi dia RARE tau, Anis." This is the most hilarious thing on the planet. Ada ke dua orang lelaki yang exactly the same? If you go out right now and pluck any guy off the street and look hard enough you'll conveniently find that he is special in some way. Couple that with "dia kata dia suka aku" and you get a "special" relationship. How thrilling!

Tapi Anis pun tak nak cakap banyak. Maybe I'm brave enough to say all this because I haven't found someone I really like. I don't know what the future entails. But I hope Allah saves me. I don't want to make useless memories. I want to do something meaningful! And I know there are a ton of meaningful things to do in life other than date multiple random people who don't know if they want me or not.

Sigh... I'll admit sometimes I wish I didn't think differently. Why can't I fit in? Why do I feel so strongly to protect my heart? There is this unwavering strong obligation for me to shield this organ of mine. I kept thinking about that one hadith - There is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good  the whole body becomes good but if it gets spoiled, the whole body gets spoiled – and that is the heart. So I told myself I can't allow just any person's dirty fingerprints on it. This heart is my duty and I will give it only to someone who has deemed themselves worthy of it.

Because later on when I die, Allah is probably gonna ask me what the hell did I do with my heart. And I just want to tell Him that I took care of it the best that I could.

As for my best friends, I'll pray hard that it works out for them. If not, I guess I'll just have to brace myself for their break-up phases. Pray they can go through it and move on. Be a shoulder to cry on even though I honestly can't give any sort of advice because I pun tak faham sangat how this whole dating thing works. I just know that sadness cannot be reasoned with. When you're sad, you're sad. You can only hope it passes quickly.

So because of that, I get picky about where I put my heart at.

2017/12/19

The sickness nobody sympathizes

My friends are slowly coming to me revealing to me that they have depression. One by one. In all honesty, I don't know what to say or do. It makes me feel helpless to just tell them: Get help.

Can I relate to them? Maybe. Once. Or... Idk never?
I think I used to fancy myself having depression but that phase went away pretty quickly. Thanks to my parents. The descriptions of depression seemed to fit what I felt at the time though. Always wanting to die, can't get out of bed, asking why Allah wanted me alive when I didn't ask for it, always thinking I'm worthless, why why why am I here etc. Why am I even writing about it though? Depression is indescribable isn't it? It's like trying to paint this invisible shapeless thing, blindfolded and in the dark. And I can't write about it unless I'm actually in that moment and I feel myself breaking to half. It's not just in your head, it's in every fiber of you. You entire body is pulsating with despair.

Right now, I'm feeling alright. I'm not there anymore. I'm just not sure if that really was depression though. Is it not considered depression anymore because I survived through it?

I told one of my friends to just "Be yourself" but that turned out to be a disaster because she has now withdrawn from me a little bit. It crossed my mind that: "Am I being insensitive?"

I realized that growing up, my parents are the dismissal type when it comes to sadness.
"Alah tak ada apa la."
"It's all in your head."
"Anis sayang, hidup tak boleh manja, nanti tak boleh hidup."
"Dah la tu sikit-sikit. Jangan ikut hati sangat."
So I grew up with that mindset that all sadness are temporary. Everything will be okay. Even in Surah Insyirah, Allah said so too.


I love the fact that Allah repeated it twice. It always gets to me the second time.
So after some time I just carried on with my life. And it did get better.

Jonghyun's death yesterday really hit me hard. I'm not a fan of SHINee but I do see their performances sometimes. To think that he's gone now forever is just.... I can't wrap my head around it. Death is so abrupt. But... in all the commotion, it got me thinking: Is Depression really real?

According to Psychology Today, Depression is real. BUT there are certain types of people who are more susceptible to it. People who always feel helpless, thinks negatively, has biased memory, feel depleted, pursues impossible goals, has poor problem-solving skills etc.

And I think what my parents did was they cut off all those traits from me before it spiraled me into depression. They pulled me out before I drift away to the deep end. As the Malay cliche saying goes: Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya.

Just like cardiac arrest, you get it because you don't exercise, you eat high calorie food, you are always stressed out. Years and years of those habits/traits/actions will eventually lead to a heart attack.

So depression is a disease you get from all those years of feeling helpless, thinking negatively about everything, remembering things in a way that is distorted, always feeling inadequate and not good enough, pursuing impossible goals etc. These things were condoned until it snowballed into this herculean phenomena that is Depression. Is that right?

I'm still trying to understand it.  I don't know what to tell my friends, who has new scars on their wrist everytime I see them, who has dark circles under their eyes because they couldn't sleep, who feels guilty for being sad and Muslim at the same time.
What do I say?

Do I just text them a helpline and feel good because I have "done my part"?
What do I DO?


Things I learned in 2017

My powerbank just fell on my left foot. I'm waiting for it to hurt, but so far I haven't feel anything. Alhamdulillah. 
First off, I'm going to apologize to myself for being gone for so long. Again. I don't know why I always fall into the same abyss. The same trap. The same pit. Struck in a rut. Idk why but I just always feel so self-conscious to put myself out here. Maybe it's because I don't want my more successful future self to be reminded of who I am now. Because I'm currently... well, a nobody. I'm ashamed because 20 years of my life and I haven't achieved anything. And I haven't challenged myself enough. I am not good enough yet. I need to be... more. 

I just found out Shawn Mendes is 19 and Camilla is 20. I really feel it now.  It makes me anxious to see people my age already out there and living their dreams. It makes me desperate to just go out there and live mine too. I know I can be so much more than this. I'm not aiming to be famous. I just want to be the best that I can be. 

Okay so this post is not supposed to be cheesy. I'm writing today to recap the year. 

This year has been life-changing for me. Especially the summer. The summer I got into business. The summer I met my mentor. The summer I realized what a crazy world this is and that I, Anis Athirah, can be even crazier. The summer I find myself belong in a business team I called my second family. The summer I had a crush on my business partner. I liked him the most when he spoke on stage - his charisma and fluency, when he wears suits during events and he chose to walk next to me because he was 178 and I'm 175, when he held up umbrellas for me, on rainy days and opened car doors for me and when he was the first to look for me when I leave the room and lean at a corner somewhere, paralyzed by migraines. There were times he took pictures of me when I'm smiling or something without me realizing and times when I thought this could be something. But I shut my heart and left him behind because I didn't want boys. I wanted to chase my dreams. This was the year I realized that whatever happens, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. The world isn't going to fold in half and combust if I missed a deadline. This is the year that my primary school bestfriend and my highschool bestfriend happened to meet in the same university and now they're both bestfriends with each other, posting pictures on instagram and snapchat together, talking about problems I was never a part of. But regardless, I'm glad they found each other and I love them both still. This is also the year my previous university bestfriend told me she found love and he happened to go to my current university. I became a thirdwheel and after that whenever she asked to hang out at my uni or anywhere, I would refuse because he would be there too, and if I go, I would be there but not really be there.  Regardless, I love her still and I'll always will. This year is when I realized how much learning Korean has changed me. It made me feel softer and more vulnerable because of the hierarchy laws which I never obey even when I spoke in my mother tongue - Malay. It made me a little bit more submissive with those older than me and caring towards those younger than me. This year I learned how easily boys fall for me and I don't know why, as narcissistic as that sounds. During the Korean exchange program in January, they called me 'orang bunian'. because I wore long flowy skirts and always sat alone on a swing downstairs and read my book quietly. I didn't believe my friends at first but the signs were blaring to even me, the most unobservant person I know. I never spoke to anyone unless spoken directly to or if I'm giving a speech on stage. I only hung out with my group and even then before boarding the plane, my Korean senior gave me a short letter addressing me as 예쁜 아니스. I hate to say this but it somewhat eased my self-hatred considerably. I finally understood what it means when people say you don't see yourself clearly. And I learned not to criticize myself too harshly. I also realized what an anti-social person I was and I could've made more friends and made a ton of cool memories instead of being this mysterious 'orang bunian'. This year I stopped feeling guilty for loving to dance. After struggling for so long, I finally allowed myself to enjoy music and gave my body the chance to speak. This year I started working out at the gym and I realized how fun this addiction is and I learned to take care of my body not because I hated my body but because I love it. This year, I memorized Surah an-Naba' and I realized how fun life was even with just this little bit of Quran in my heart. This year I learned that people are not crazy. They have reasons for what they do. I learned not to judge too hastily and to understand before being understood. I learned to love and love and love. And to never stop loving. This year I found myself and ...well, not completely. But I think I have a rough idea of what sort of person I want to be and can be. This year I took a gap year off uni and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life. This year I stopped being afraid. Of myself. And of the world. This year was breath-taking and this year was one of the best years of my life. 

Thank you, Anis. You did well.

And thank you, Allah. You were too kind to me once again.

May 2018 be another adventure. To be closer to You. And to be closer to me. And to give my best to the people who loved me.

I guess this post had to be cheesy after all.

2017/08/27

Going back to what's calling me

I started dancing again yesterday, after what seemed like months. Since the Raya holidays are starting, my sister told me she wanted to dance again but I thought I couldn't because I have to focus on my business. I have to sacrifice. I have to cut down on my fun. Yada yada yada. But I've been feeling so down lately. And I reached to a point where I was just crying first thing in the morning and I can't even tell anyone why. I hated myself, my life, everything and yesterday I wanted to just escape. So for that two hours, I cut myself off from everything. No business, no meetings, no closing, no partners. I left my phone downstairs, ran up to my room and focused on nothing but the music and the mirror in front of me.

By the end of the two hours, my shoulders felt unbelievably lighter, my head clearer, everything felt better all of a sudden. It got me thinking: "What was I so upset about before?". I can't remember. All I felt was "God how can I forget how much fun dancing was?" Haha I'm never gonna leave this again. After showering, I prayed zohor and suddenly felt like reading the Quran again. My mom looked at me incredulously. "Anis? Nak baca Quran?"

I looked at her like -.-". But it saddened me a little. It's like she gave up on trying to get me to read again. The only time I ever read is Ramadhan and that's only because of Tadarus. I'm lucky though because Allah made it such that no matter how long I stopped reading, when I start again, I don't get stuck. My tajwid is still on fleek. HAH! I mean alhamdulillah. My mom was so happy that she dropped everything and came to join me. "Mama check Anis. Anis check Mama." I nodded. However, the plan failed miserably because when it was her turn to read, I accidentally fell asleep HAHAHAHA. Sorry Ma. I love you. She reads perfectly though so I don't know why she needs me.

Anyways, I think that in life, you always have to have at least one, that one thing, that makes you happy. Don't compromise on it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Ever since coming back from Hajj, my mom started condemning my dancing. She said it's melalaikan (Not bringing me closer to Allah). Its time-wasting. And so I stopped. I was starting to wear hijab too so I left my cheerleading days behind. 5 years later, when I got into college and lived with my grandma and away from her, I started dancing again, albeit very awkwardly. When I moved back in with my mom, dancing became a habit and I brought it home with me, my mom went berserk. I stopped again. Then I started university in Semenyih and stayed at a hostel, I found myself going back to dancing again. I stopped only during exams season and weekends when I'm home. Now that I'm on my summer break, I can only hold it in for so long. I tried telling myself that I just started my business anyways, so I need to just keep it up for just a bit longer until I'm back in uni. Dancing can wait. But I didn't know I would be so depressed without it. I think if I kept up my dancing right from the start and be allowed to go to classes, join teams and everything like a normal dancer, I'd be a pro by now. Haha but that's alright, I'm 21. It's never two late. I'm still flexible. Sort of.

So whatever it is that makes you feel alive, continue it. Even if people think it's not beneficial. I mean so what? Not everything you do has to save the world. Sit down. Jeez. I have a friend who is CRAZY about rock-climbing. Everyday after class, he would ditch us and hit the... whatever that rock-climbing place is called. So we all know him as the rock-climbing guy. And now that I think about it, he is ALWAYS HAPPY. No wonder! And because of that burning passion he has, it makes him a little bit cuter than the other guys. haha

By the way, after reading my last post, I realized it sort of came out wrong. I didn't mean pretending as in "telling lies". All the things I wrote were true. It's just that I pretended my whole life were just that, all the good things, no problems. And I was forcing myself to be this positive goody person. I do love my uni. I am in love with my major. And the food there is seriously good especially the Tandoori chicken at RK Fathima. But I never told you guys how I had a crush and got my heart broken, or that I missed assignments sometimes or had friends that stabbed me in the back. I tried to hide it all because I thought if I focused on the good then sure enough only good things will come. Law of Attraction right? I didn't realize I was just suppressing myself, not being able to tell what's on my mind, my worries, not able to talk about things that bothered me. And even when the situation improved, I couldn't even write about it because I didn't write the problem here to begin with. I didn't even talk about my dancing or that I love Kpop or even that I gained weight because I didn't want to be judged.

So I'm just going to be true to myself. This is my journey to becoming the best person I can be. And it has good and bad stuff. And I'm still working on the latter. But I won't apologize for it. The filter is off from now on. ^^ Wow I feel so free all of a sudeen. This blog feels like my own again. Yayyy. Aaaand Notice that I'm trying so hard to write in paragraphs? hahahahahah kalau sebelum ni aku main belasah je... I know it has different thickness. Slowly la, I'll try to get it all nice and neat. You can imagine what my assignments look like. In high school it was easy to get away with it because everybody in my class spoke broken English so when it came to my paper, my English teacher was probably so relieved to find good grammar that she shuts an eye to every other mistake of mine. HAH.

Okay so I guess that's it for now. Talk soon. Bye guys ^^ Be happy. Hold on to what makes you happy.




2017/08/25

Restless

Is there a way to not be embarrassed when you read your old blog posts? Is this a phase? Is this how all amazing blogs start out as? I keep thinking that one fine day I'll wake up and be all cool and mature and sit in front of my laptop and not type with just two fingers (but instead I'll be using ALL my fingers *insert sounds of awe and applause*) and drink warm chocolate and write about things that make people ponder, that creates impact and can be of benefit to all my readers. GAH.

Imagine a blog with beautiful pictures, good content and smooth layout design. Wow.

But in order to be an amazing blogger, there are three things I gotta do. First, have consistency. Second, read a lot. Third, have unlimited passion and that refreshing human voice of genuine realness that all of us crave for in this loud and lonely cyber world.

Hey guys, how are you guys doing? Life has got to me again. I try to be very positive on this blog. That is why I rarely post nowadays. I'm not saying I'm going through a sad patch right now. I'm just having a character-building phase at the moment. I'm struggling to be so many things. I demand so much for myself. And I do it because I know I can be so much better than this. But it's so hard...

So many decision-making in a day and I'm always thinking to myself : Is this right? Will I regret this later on? I think the reason I'm having such a hard time is because I can't give myself 100%. I'm too careful. I'm doubting every single thing. I'm constantly on the edge. Cortisol dripping. Heart thumping. I can't let myself go. What if all of this is for nothing? What if one find day everything collapses? What if everything that I believe in turns out to be a lie? What if this is wrong? I'm always holding myself back. Because I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to be manipulated. And that's why I can't find it in me to trust what happens to be just that.

And then there's the whole college thing. Sigh... What am I to do...

Most of the time I try to pretend that everything is all jolly and fine. Yup, my university is amazing! I am so in love with my major! The food here is so gooood. Oh my God, my life is perfect! God is kind. I have all these great... stuff... ya know?

I'm trying to think whether I should just be real here on my blog. Write about the real stuff in my life. Because I'm not good at pretending. And I try so hard to "look at it from a different angle" so when I actually start writing a post and I can't be happy and pumped up in my writing, I give up and just not write and just exit. Just like that. I wanted to have those blogs where everything is happy and motivating and awesome. I mean looking at it from a reader's point of view, I like that as well. It makes me sad to see a blogger sad. Some of them write these posts where their pain just bleeds through from the words and it hurts to even finish the post till the end.

The truth is I have a lot of sadness and anger in me. A lot, a lot.

I try to be perfect all the time. I try to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect granddaughter. But when I'm alone, I feel like I'm crashing to pieces. Sometimes I look at some Youtubers or some idols and they always look happy and I wonder what sort of sadness they have when the camera turns off. When they lay in bed at night.

I'm trying to make this work. I never tell people that I'm struggling because I don't want to look weak. And in this life, some screwed up people actually feel good when they see others in pain. And I don't want to give them that.

But I don't know what to do. How long this will be. How far can I go. So many uncertainties that I feel paralyzed. I don't know how or when will I wake up from this.

Wake up, Anis.

Maybe that's why I feel embarrassed reading my old posts these past couple years. Because it doesn't sound like me at all.

Instead when I read the posts from when I was 14, I get amazed and inspired by my own writing, no matter how stupid or silly. Because at least it was real. And it comforted me to know that it was me.

So I guess that's it. I won't filter anything anymore from now on. I'll be genuine. I promise.

2017/07/17

How to be Happy

It's 1.49am at the moment but being the supportive big sister that I am *coughs*, I am accompanying my baby sister (well, okay, not-so-baby 14-year-old sister) finish off her homework. She has these essays she has to write based on pie charts or something lame like that.

We were actually from our grandparents' place earlier. I've been talking to my aunt over whatsapp and listening to her airing her grievances about a lot of the awful stuff she had to deal with lately but actually seeing how tired her eyes looked and how dark her eye bags are really made my heart crack. I wish I can help her. I wish I can do something. But soon, InsyaAllah. When I'm more independent and can stand on my own.

I have all these plans laid out. And I know I'm supposed to be dead sure but being so inexperience at life had me doubting myself. Can I really do this? Are my dreams too unrealistic? Is this too impossible? What if they're the chosen ones and I'm not? What if I'm just not good enough? What if this is a mistake? What if this isn't worth it? What if I'm just wasting my time? What if I ruin everything? It's like there're all these uncertainties swirling around in my head. And I'm afraid that I'll make another mistake which won't just affect me but also the people supporting me. However, I think this is just part and parcel of being young. You have practically nothing figured out. I asked most of my friends about what they want in life, what are their highest pursuits, what are the dreams that keep them up at night, the goals that they want so bad that they could cry just talking about it, and the only thing they answered me was: "I just want to be happy." "I'm just doing this because it feels right at the moment." "I'm just gonna see where this goes."

"I just want to be happy." That's mind-boggling to me.

Really? That's it? That's the highest pursuit of your entire existence? YOU were chosen to be born and the only thing you want to be is to be happy? That's it?

I mean I don't wanna sound like a douche but isn't that a little... selfish? Not to mention unambitious. And kind of lame.

No offense to the American Dream. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Those stuff are cool and all but happiness is just so... easy.

Class gets cancelled. You're happy. The new episode of GOBLIN comes out. You're happy. BTS releases a new song. You're happy. You get a 50 likes on your picture on instagram. You're happy. Big Apple gives you an extra donut. You're happy. It doesn't take much.

Happiness comes and goes. Life happens and you get frustrated. Then you try to be happy again. SO you keep going after this drug of happiness but it keeps slipping away. It doesn't stay with you.

I don't understand when people say "I just want to be happy." What does that even mean? Nobody is always happy. Allah gave us a huge score of emotions to experience in life. And they're all part of a healthy life. Happiness is just one of them. So if the only thing you have going for in life is happiness then sorry to say, you're probably in for a lot of disappointments. No human is going to be constantly living in a state of happiness. I mean I'm not saying people should be depressed but life is about struggles too, no? When you're studying for finals, you're not happy. When you're driving on the highway for the first time and sweating buckets, you're not happy. When you have to give a speech in Chinese for the first time, you're not happy. When you're working out and you're half-dying, you're NOT happy.

Life can't just be about being happy. "I just want to be happy" is such a cliche thing to say. I mean there HAS to be something you really want in this life. People you want to help. Records you want to break. Impacts you want to make. Excellence you want to achieve. There are endless possibilities. So many things you can do for the society, for your country, for the world. There's gotta be something that resonates deeply within you. Something that makes your heart beat faster just by thinking about it. Something that pushes you to fight through anything just to get it.

I'm not sure if this is an INTJ thing. I've always been ambitious but I never tell people about my goals. I keep them hushed because I get insecure about every little thing. But I have a notebook solely for writing my goals. I'm always drafting and redrafting it. Planning what to do next, which book to get, what talk to attend, who to talk to, what time I should practice what skill. Target, research, plan, execute.

I have this standard that I expect myself to achieve. This level I need to be at by the age of 25. It sounds hardcore to some people but that's just how I'm programmed I guess. Or probably how I was raised. My parents never push me to do anything. But every time I look at my dad, seeing how knowledgeable, how kind, how rational, how compassionate, how patient, how competent, how multilingual he is, it makes me want to work harder. I want to be worthy of being called his daughter. I am his daughter.

And I want to make him the proudest father ever.
Sure, he never ask anything of me but sometimes I just want to give the whole world to him.

Okay, I have a ton more I want to write about but it's 2.57am so I should end this post here. Bottom line is, goals make humans happy. When you have a purpose in life, you'll have this feeling of being so alive, so awake and driven that nothing can bring you down. I don't think I'm in a position to give advice since I myself am still stumbling through life but if there's one thing that I hope you'll get out of this post, it's this: Have a goal in life, a goal so big that it sets your soul on fire

Doesn't matter how old you are. Dreams are age-less.

Good night, guys.


2017/06/01

First ELKEN event

It happened again, you guys.

Yesterday, my friend and I were meeting up for something at 2pm but suddenly my friend dropped an invitation on me. It was an ELKEN event. I knew it was an MLM. And I know I'm already in Amway but... for curiosity's sake, I accepted the invitation anyways. My upline is probably gonna freak, haha but hey ya can't stop me. I told my heart I'm not gonna fall in love with ELKEN. I'm still pretty young in Amway so the reminder was there just to be safe. I trust my firm resolution so I wasn't very worried to be honest. ELKEN is a Malaysia-born MLM and it's supposedly the top MLM in Malaysia so I was wondering what they're like. At 6pm, I took the LRT and got off at KL Gateway Universiti station. Took a cab, reached the HQ and my friend paid for the taxi fare.

There was a buka puasa buffet which was good. They had Tarawih as well. I think this is one of the things I wish Amway had as well. More Islamic stuff. I mean I'm in the Chinese group so of course I'm deprived of these things. Anyways, ELKEN's theme color was red so there were red blazers, red ties and red necklaces everywhere. I also happened to be wearing a red blouse and red tudung. Huh. What a coincidence. 

After eating, my friend gestured a guy to come sit at our table. He was African and he was apparently her downline. Let's call him Y. We talked a bit and Y said he was doing his masters in IIUM. I was like... Oh cool. We talked about his travels and the Malay language a little. He asked me where I studied. I answered and then he was like WOW no wonder your English is PERFECT. Only top students go there! Your English is the best I've heard so far!

I vaguely feel like he had just insulted the whole IIUM but anyways. I felt uncomfortable so I excused myself to the ladies' room. When I came back, my friend handed me the ticket to the event. It looked very.... Hmm Idk I think ELKEN should invest in a good graphic designer. Designing, I believe, is of utmost importance when it comes to business. If your products are fantastic but you wrap them up like poop then people are gonna think it's... well, poop. But some people just don't have the flair for designing. I think back about my brother-in-law's failed attempt at designing his own wedding card and I'm again reminded of that fact. My sister practically screamed in horror when she first saw it on her phone. And we were at a restaurant at the time. 

Anyways, so at the entrance of Diamond Hall 2, they gave me two black pills with my torn ticket. I thought umm okay, not your usual sweets and notepad gifts but okay. I sat wayyyy at the front. First row. Because I'm here for the talk, not for the back of people's heads. Haha! My friend asked me to reserve a seat because she needed to take some calls but she never turned up. Instead, Y was sitting next to me the whole time. He was nice and friendly and all but I'm just not used to sitting next to a guy or talking to a guy and there were a ton of people behind us so I was very self-conscious and stiff and being my usual overly careful self. 

Aaanyways, the talk was about MIME. Mycellium Immunology Something Something. It was great! But to be completely honest, I only understood maybe 52% of the whole presentation. Science and me do not usually go together. I feel like I'm in Biology class in  high school again. NK cells. Dendritic cells. Transcription. Genetic Expression. Lymphocytic toxicyty. Uhh... Okay? It really surprised me how much this company includes their distributors in the research process of their products. I mean the presentation was some pretty intense stuff. There were graphs and diagrams and a ton of test results and scientific terms flying around. But sorry to say, I think the presentation was wasted on me haha. 

The presenter was a Japanese man named Dr. Kohei Homma. His English was very good and he seemed to really know his stuff. I really liked how he pronounced certain words. I liked his demeanor. Very courteous and gentle. I think that's always the first thing I notice about a guy. Body language. Some guys are just attractive in the way they move. The way he sits, the way he opens a car door, the way he holds a paper cup. Most girls would say his smile or his eyes. But I can't even look at a guy in the eyes so... that's why hahaha

Anyways, I also noticed how ELKEN has this secret handshake. Even the Muslimah MCs do it with all the male leaders who come up on stage. Umm. I don't think that's okay, to be honest. I mean you are in a business to earn and strive for rezeki from Allah but suddenly in the process you're doing things that He clearly told you not to do. How will He give you that rezeki? I'm not trying to be a haram police or represent Allah in any way. It's just that most of us have a habit of brushing off the little sins. We think it's no big deal and we become desensitized to it. But how can you become desensitized to angering the one who created you?

Okay, that went a little deep. Back to the story. After the event, we took like 15 minutes trying to get back to the lobby. The floor plan was really bad. The hallways were clearly too narrow for a hall that could fit a hundred people.  Once we managed to reach the ground floor, we had a "meeting after meeting" where we discuss what we've learned. I think everyone was huddled into little groups and having intense discussions over the many tables in the lobby.  I said a couple of things I learned and earned a single clap.  In ELKEN, apparently, people clap only once after a person speaks. We then took pictures and my friend and I waved goodbye to Y and we headed to my friend's car. I asked my friend why the MCs said Good Morning when it's clearly night time. My friend told me saying Good Morning has this energetic hopeful psychological effect. Huh. That's kind of delusional no? But anyways, it probably worked for some people because my friend was super PUMPED. She was pretty psyched and excited about what she learned from the event and started to tell me about cancer stem cells and how it's a breakthrough in the world of medicine.

My friend then suddenly said Y is very nice isn't he? He paid for your ticket!

My heart dropped right there and then. He did what?!

He said he wanted to pay for your ticket! So I let him!

You did WHAT?

Oh God. AGAIN? Why in the world would he- Okay, to be fair. Y did mention his intentions. But I thought it was a joke! Obviously, you don't just pay for a stranger's ticket. Right?

Wrong.

Why does this keep happening to me? Do I exude a "Pay For Me" vibe around guys?

I mean yeah I'm happy I didn't need to spend the RM5 but I just hate the feeling that I'm somehow indebted to them. Like I now have to be nicer to them at the very least. I do not want to owe anybody anything. I want the right to be mean and not be deemed ungrateful. hah It would be a different story if it was a date. But this is clearly not one. And I barely know him.

But okay, that's that. Anyways.

Overall, I think ELKEN is okay. I can't judge the entire company by just one event. But so far I still love Amway's vibe better. I'm still interested in attending ELKEN events though, especially for beauty and skincare. To be honest, their vibe feels a lot like Forever Living but with more culture. Also... Their logo looked so familiar. I feel like my mom might have bought a thing or two from ELKEN before, when I was younger.

So... That's it. I'm tired of facing this laptop since an hour ago. Can't do this no moreee.

I have so much to tell you guys about life. But it's the end of the month, so things get pretty hectic when you're fighting in Amway. lol

Kay I gotta go.

Bye, guys!

Take care.

2017/05/24

Blog Makeover: Giraffe-ly Regal

I did it! I changed my blog title, created a header from scratch and gave up on searching for a background so I just settled with white. lol There are more changes coming soon but the ones you're seeing now are the most prominent ones. Took me about 5 hours.

I did this entire makeover for my blog cuz I feel like I'm going through a new phase in my life. And I want to honor this blog with a new design to celebrate my future posts which will record my new amazing journey. (I didn't get married or anything, I just joined Amway lol. But yeah, I'm super psyched). I had this blog since I was 14..... which was 7 years ago. WOW.

I'm kind of proud of myself for being able to keep this one thing in my life consistently. This blog is my darling. And I know over the years, there are phases where I've struggled to keep this blog alive and abandoned it for months, phases of where I posted almost everyday or two to three posts a day even, but now I'm gonna start a twice-a-week phase. Yes, a phase cuz hopefully, in the future I can post more frequently so that my future self will have more to read about my present self and see my growing process and be happy with what she's achieved. :D

I will be turning twenty-one on the 25th of October. I don't feel 21 to be honest. How are 21-year-olds supposed to feel?? Mature-r definitely. But for now, I'm happy where I am. I want to always be positive and grateful because I have dreams that reach the skies. And I want so be so much and do so much in this world. lol So here is where I'll write them all.

Leave lots of nice comments. Be happy. Be awesome.

Love,
Anis.


PS, OMG I can't stop imagining my cousin trying to pronounce my blog title. Giwaffely Weegal. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry. I love you, cousin. Muah Muah Muah 1000x Good luck with uni! XD

BTW, the giraffe photo from the header is from Pinterest.

So from this,


To this,




2017/05/14

Balancing My Languages

I'm attending so many Chinese events, made so many Chinese friends and gave more speeches in Chinese on stage more than I ever had in my school years that at this point, I can't even speak proper English anymore. I stutter so much now. It's absolutely ridiculous. When someone speaks English to me, I translate my thoughts from Chinese to English. I KNOW RIGHT. I honestly can't believe that actually happened. Like the moment I realized what I was doing, I was like WHAT THE HELL, ANIS. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.

A part of me is reeling back from the fact because English has always come naturally to me. I've never had the conscious thought of "I need to improve my English" because it's just something that I do ever since I can remember. I've been praised so much by so many of my dad's mat saleh friends saying how I sound like a native English speaker. No accent, so smooth, Oh WOW OH MY GOD SO AHMAYZING and BLABLA. But now... My confidence just went from 10 to 0. I use Chinese words in my Malay and English conversations with non-Chinese speaking people! And then they'll look at me weird and then I have to explain the Chinese words that I just accidentally used. And then I sound like this linguistically incompetent person. I just don't know anymore. I DON'T KNOW.

I complained to my dad. I asked him how he arranges all his seven languages in his brain and BY GOD, how does he manage to switch back and forth so effortlessly. He told me discipline is key. Use one language for one whole sentence. Force yourself to think coherently in one language at a time. Speak clearly when you're using one language and control all the other languages that you're not using so you don't accidentally slip. 

I need to get good at this "holding back" thing cuz I'm planning to add French and Arabic to my list soon. My dad said reading is important too. Yup, I'm guilty of not reading lately. Like I can FEEL my brain dying. ANIS, GIMME FOOD. And I read my cousin's blog and felt this profound feeling of: "Wow, I miss this. I miss reading." I'm just so preoccupied lately. Thing is I noticed that I don't allow my thoughts to hover on the present. I don't think and rethink about what is happening or what has happened anymore. My brain is constantly on the go. Next, next, next. It's like it's stuck in the future. What can happen, what are the possibilities, what are my goals, what do I have to do tomorrow, who am I meeting next week, what time is the next event. Go, go, go. It's not that I deny myself the luxury to sit and think deep about stuff. It's just that... I simply don't do it anymore. Reading requires me to sit and think. I'm constantly moving, constantly fighting for my next achievement, constantly driven by this fire in me to move forward. I don't know how to stop. And the good things is I don't dwell on anything anymore. I move on. 

I think it has a lot to do with my new circle of friends. They're always so pumped and energetic and ambitious and gregarious. We can't stay still. We're young and motivated as hell. We want to be leaders, we want to change lives. We want to be legends and we want to retire young and rich. We want to serve our parents and we want freedom. We want to do it all together. It's hard to not get influenced by that kind of atmosphere. They don't think like normal 18 to 24 year old do. They have these pursuits in life that are just way up there. WAYYYY up there. So no video games, no meaningless conversations, no staying up doing pointless stuff on the internet till wee hours of the morning. We don't let randomness rule our lives. We set a goal, we plan and we execute.

Hell Yea. 

I'm glad I took the time to write this. It cleared my mind up a bit on what is happening in my life. I think at the end of everyday, I'm just unbelievably grateful for all the things that I have in life. I'm so fortunate that it doesn't make sense even to me how I deserve all these things that I have now. It's mind-blowing to me. I have amazing parents, a comfy house, I'm studying in one of the best universities ever, in a major that I absolutely adore, I have Islam, I'm physically complete, I've never been hospitalized, and I have amazing friends. The list just goes on and on. Just... God.. I can never get over how generous Allah is to me. And in a way it makes me more motivated to prove myself worthy of these things. That Allah had not wasted these privileges on me. Cuz I have a lifelong plan to use them all to give back to Him, to my country, my community, my family and my people. Sometimes I do feel small and intimidated and unsure but I'm still growing. And I know everyday I'm upgrading myself; my skills, my strengths and my talents so that I can be exactly where I want to be in life. :D

2017/03/24

My Married Sister

"Your loyalty is now with another clan."

I straight up blurted that out to my sister. Word for word.

I know right.

WOW.

Sounds like something out of a medieval movie.

She said wow too.

But YEAH. I did it, guys. I told my sister how I felt about her being married. I told her how with her gone, I feel like I'm the eldest now. And it's on me to protect the family. Because she's preoccupied. With her other family.

She has another set of parents. Another set of grandparents. Another set of cousins, relatives, uncles and aunties. A new set of people in her life who I barely know. So yes of course she's preoccupied.

She was just like: Oh. Okay.

You wanna know another weird thing about this? It's that she also has other sisters besides me. It's always been just the two of us for the longest time. But now... she's... CHEATED ON ME. *wails* I'm 100% sure she's made comparisons. Who's better than who. Who's cooler than who. And it took a while to accept that it's okay if she likes them better than me.

I have Allah. Who is way more awesome than HER.

I'm fine. I'm so FINE.

FINE. I tell you, I'm PERFECTLY FINE.

I want my Kakak back D':

I'm such an attention seeker. Hah.

But really though. I'm cool.

Right now, I'm focusing on my younger siblings. I'm trying to get my babies through primary school. Especially the one who is sitting for UPSR this year. God help that boy. My mom is done attending all the events and functions at their school. So I'm the one expected to go to their report card days, their parents-teacher meetings and all that stuff cuz everything is in Chinese and my mom is so done. DONE, I tell you.

To be honest, it's not cool for you to invite non-Chinese parents and SPEAK Chinese throughout the whole event. Like EXCUSE ME, what's the point of them coming? Why aren't you honoring their presence? Speak la English ke, Malay ke. Diorang ni pun satu hal.

They do speak a little Malay, but all the main important points are in CHINESE. Like they are literally missing the point.

I'm shitting bricks over the fact that the Math and Science UPSR papers are all in Mandarin. My bro ain't doing so well now. I know he can do it though. It's the language barrier that's stalling him.  I mean I look at the papers now and it looks so damn easy. I just want for him what I didn't have, you know? Lol I remember back when I'd blow a fuse whenever people compared my upsr results with theirs. They'd have that "I'm gonna pretend that's not so bad" look on their faces and get all high and mighty about their As. And I was here on the verge of going all LISTEN YOU PIECE OF *****, my papers are in Chinese. Yours ade ke? Tak ada kan? So SHUT you TRAP or I'll shove that paper of yours up your *******. That was me back then. I'm a little more gentle now (I hope).

Malaysians are so kiasu. Semua tengok results. Jadi stress tau. Like can we all just chill and eat a roti canai or something?

But I shouldn't get angry in the first place. Bia' pi la depa nak kata apa. In the end it's just a piece of paper. People forget about it after a year or so. No big deal.

My lecturer said something really cool today, which is:
"When you understand more of the world, you get less and less angry."

I think it's true. I, for one, need more understanding in me so that it cushions me and unsuspecting humans from my unwarranted disappointments and anger. Must learn how to chill, Anis. Chill, okay?

The Prophet never gets angry too. Except that one time he was cursing about people who didn't serve/ please their parents while their parents were still alive and about.

So yeah, that's one thing to keep in mind.

This is a cool vid about parents and our responsibilities towards them. Watch it, guys. It's really cool. :D



Thanks for reading. I'll talk more soon. Byeee ^_^

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